Gaming (the exciting sequal to Growing Up)

The post on Growing Up was getting a bit long... but I do have a few more thoughts.

Some people live in stories forever because they don't feel like a hero in real life. One example of this is gamers. I'm not talking about people who play video games here and there. Games can be fun and I don't have anything against people who play them. I'm referring to those who spend 12 hours a day, 6 days a week in the game. It happens.

I knew a young man who was trying to be free of his gaming addiction. I've never heard someone speak so passionately about his or her desire to make a difference in the world and to be a leader. But he saw his attempts (in his ward, with his family, and at work) as failures and felt rejected by the world. He turned to games to fill that void. In the game he could command an army and work with others towards a greater good. He felt respected and powerful. Here's my problem with this. It's deceptive! He felt successful and fulfilled because he could easily and quickly see the points adding up and the territory growing larger. He could chat with others playing and feel like he had friends. He had numbers to prove his success. But what good did he actually do? Nothing! He wasn't taking any real risks because if things went bad he could just check out. Who did he help? No one! We live in a world of instantaneous gratification. Unlike earning points or power in a game, in life you don't get that kind of instantaneous proof. Though he felt successful in one way he also admitted to hating every other human being. That's proof enough to me that something has gone array.

I feel bad for my friend. I can see his potential. It's huge! I believe he'll pull out of it. I hope he'll learn that in life we just do our best and then trust that our efforts are making a difference, even if we can't see it. We can't expect a crowd to cheer our name and sing praises to us. The greatest heroes go unsung but they change the world nonetheless. They don't live in stories. They take risks and allow themselves to be vulnerable in order to help others. They grow up :)

Growing Up

I've always loved trying to figure people out! Can you think of anything more fascinating than people? I'm told that as a child when my family would have parties, instead of playing with the other children I would often sit with the adults, just listening quietly. I don't know exactly why, but I imagine I found adults had more interesting things to say and more complex personalities to understand. I could sit there, mostly unnoticed and just soak it in. This will sound a little silly, but in a way I felt like a secret agent, trying to infiltrate the adult world and understand the secrets hidden therein.

My mom called me the low maintenance child--content to listen quietly or play in my room by myself (which I could do for hours). I was rarely bored. When people were around I would listen and try to understand. When alone (times which I treasured) I could take my observations and use them to create stories. Oh how I loved my stories! They always involved complex, conflicted characters who at first seemed small and unimportant, but then discovered hidden abilities which allowed them to become brilliant leaders and save the day. I didn't write many of them down, but I acted them out, either with my toys or just in my head.

So that was my childhood. Quiet, but exciting to me. I imagine it's not an uncommon experience. Life is a little different now. I've grown up. I don't seem to have time to create the stories I did before. It's not that I don't want to, there are just more important things to occupy my time. I need to be responsible. It's of course good to grow-up, though I have a question. Does growing up mean you stop imagining? Does it mean the stories should come to an end? No, I don't think so! Those stories are really important. If you look at them closely enough they will show you who you are and who you believe you are capable of becoming. We cannot, we should not forget that! If we lose that belief in ourselves and our abilities to conquer evil and face insurmountable odds, if we lose that vision of the great work we are intended to do, we wont do it! We wont try! No, I think it's important to remember.

I still think up some stories and I can get entirely sucked into a good novel. These things help me to remember, but a big difference between being a child and now is that instead of acting the stories out in my mind, I have more of an opportunity to live them. It's exciting. Instead of pretending to be brave and speak out against the evils of the world, I actually have to speak. I actually have to feel opposition. I actually have to choose to have hope that all will turn out well, even though I do not have control over the end of the story. I can't just sit quietly with a group of adults and observe the way I once did. If I kept everything inside that would be wrong, a waste of all that practice I had acting these things out in the stories. I have to actually live!

It takes courage to live! In life we don't have control over the end of the story, we don't know what the other characters are thinking, and we can't take our words back when say something stupid. It would be easier to just live in a story... but where's the glory in that?

Lonely Friend

Some conversations are special. They stay in my mind imprinted with a label stating "This one is significant. This one was a gift." There is a sense of reverence and a little bit of excitement when I think of these moments, for it is always thrilling to feel the Lord's hand working in our lives. I've been thinking about three conversations I've had in the past few weeks that all seemed to have the same theme. In a charming little restaurant, in an abandoned parking lot, and while taking an extra lap around the block to buy more time, we talked about loneliness.

Now, loneliness is not something I have felt much of lately (insert: happy grateful sigh) but I remember in past years feeling it keenly. We all struggle with bouts of loneliness from time to time. I like how Dr. Seuss describes it:

I'm afraid that some times

you'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not,

Alone is something

you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go...

Since having those conversations I've been thinking a lot about why we ever feel lonely. How does it happen? What purpose does it serve? How do we overcome it? Is technology to blame? I'm still working out the answers to these questions but after giving it some thought I do have a few things I would like to say to those friends who are feeling alone.

Dear Lonely Friend,

I wish I could somehow convey to you how much I love you. You are brilliant! At the moment you probably don't feel that way, but it's true. You are doing wonderfully. Just hang in there a little longer. The sun will come up soon, probably sooner than you think and brighter than you think.

If you are lonely because you feel misunderstood, remember that you are perfectly understood by your creator. Misunderstandings are going to happen. Those around you, even those who love you and should understand, sometimes will not. That's frustrating when you are trying so hard to do right. Be patient with them. Someday they will understand. If their perception of you is off God will correct that with time.

If you feel alone because you are unique and very few people seem to think the way you do, it's probably because you are unique. That uniqueness is what makes you special. It will enable you to serve and understand others who are likewise, unique. Do not complain that God has made you the way He has. There is purpose in His creations. Just go on being your fabulous self and serving in your unique way.

If you are lonely because you've lost hope in the future, remember that God always keeps His promises. He cannot lie. Remember the promises you've been given and don't doubt for a second that they will be yours. With unyielding determination hold on to those promises. Optimism is good medicine for this kind of fear. Choose to think positively even when all logic tells you there is no hope. There is always hope!

If you are lonely, I want to say call me, but better advice would be to pray. As I've mentioned before, "You can never know that Christ is all you need until Christ is all you have." The happiest thing about all this is that once you learn to rely on the Lord you'll never really feel alone.

Much love,

Susan

The Hiding Place

In the film Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis is speaking with one of his students who says, "We read to know we are not alone." When we read we often discover that someone else has been where we are. Someone else understands. We read because so often, we ourselves do not have the words to say what is written in our hearts. I think the same can be said for movies, art, dance, music, and theater. It is Thanksgiving time and this year I am grateful for artists, directors, actors, composers, musicians, dancers, and authors who give voice to the feelings I cannot express and paint the picture I cannot paint.

Brent recently suggested I read, The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom. Here are a few (okay, I got a little carried away... here are 19) phrases I love:

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

“Trying to do the Lord's work in your own strength is the most confusing, exhausting, and tedious of all work. But when you are filled with the Holy Spirit, then the ministry of Jesus just flows out of you.”

“Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings...It's something we make inside ourselves.”

“You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have.”

“Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.”

“Don't bother to give God instructions; just report for duty.”

“Dear Jesus...how foolish of me to have called for human help when You are here.”

“There is no panic in Heaven! God has no problems, only plans.”

“There are no 'if's' in God's world. And no placess that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety - let us pray that we may always know it!”

“Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way . . . God can give us the perfect way.”

“If God has shown us bad times ahead, it's enough for me that He knows about them. That's why He sometimes shows us things, you know - to tell us that this too is in His hands.”

“God's viewpoint is sometimes different from ours - so different that we could not even guess at it unless He had given us a Book which tells us such things....In the Bible I learn that God values us not for our strength or our brains but simply because He has made us.”

“And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things too. Don't run out ahead of Him.”

“Today I know that such memories are the key not to the past, but to the future. I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do. ”

“How often it is a small, almost unconscious event that makes a turning point.”

“Perhaps only when human effort had done it's best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work.”

“When I try, I fail.

When I trust, He succeeds.”

“All through the short afternoon they kept coming, the people who counted themselves Father's friends. Young and old, poor and rich, scholarly gentlemen and illiterate servant girls—only to Father did it seem that they were all alike. That was Father's secret: not that he overlooked the differences in people; that he didn't know they were there.”

“There are no 'ifs' in God's Kingdom. His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place. Lord Jesus, keep me in Your will! Don't let me go mad by poking about outside it.”

The Beauty that is Change

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.-Henri Bergson

The first time I saw Olyessa she was standing nervously in the Nicholiev branch building foyer. With eyes glued to the floor I could make out dark circles beneath her eyes. Her clothing was simple and by worldly standards there was nothing particularly beautiful about her. The Elders introduced us and we attempted conversation. It must have been intimidating for her to be standing, conversing with a bunch of American missionaries. Her answers were short and timid. I wasn't sure what to think of her. She seemed innocent to be sure, childlike almost, but something about her countenance was dim, sad.

We began to teach her the basic principals of the gospel. I'm not sure how much she understood. Though she was in her mid twenties, teaching her felt more like teaching a 10-year-old. Maybe even an 8-year-old. The branch president expressed some concern that working with her might be a waste of our precious time. I confess, I wondered the same thing. Was there any point in teaching her if she wasn't going to understand? Even if she did get baptized, she would never be the kind of member who would bring others into the church. We came very close to calling it quits. We rationalized that she was so innocent, she probably didn't need baptism.

I will forever be grateful that we didn't give up on her.

As we continued to meet, I learned more of her life. Her mother had died when she was young and she lived in a tiny apartment with her father. A simple life. She worked at a cookie factory and would always bring us batches of reject cookies. She was sweet and kind. Without guile. Also very trusting. One day on her way to meet with us some gypsies had hypnotized her and stolen some money. She looked sheepish and we felt bad, but had to laugh a little. That was just so Olyessa! The more I knew her, the more I loved her. And she was beginning to change.

On the day of her baptism I wished I could have seen the old Olyessa standing next to the new Olyessa. What a contrast that would have been! Her countenance was completely changed. No longer a sad, dark-eyed little girl. She smiled, light was beaming from her eyes. Dressed in white, she was completely pure and completely beautiful.

Though I still don't know if she really needed to be baptized, I do know that my companion and I needed her. We needed see that change to know that it is possible. It's sad to think that we almost gave up on her. I'm so eternally grateful that God hasn't given up on me. Olyessa became beautiful to me, not because of who she was or is now but because I had the honor to see what she had overcome. Through the power of the atonement she changed and change is beautiful! I want to learn to see those around me, not as who they are, but as who they will become.

Random Happiness

I suppose this is the kind of thing you usually post on facebook, but I have this love/hate relationship with facebook, and at the moment we're in a fight.

These fine fellows from Denmark make me rather happy right now.

http://youtu.be/aGVZktHLZhk

The Lens (Understanding Hope)

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as I am known." 1 Cor. 13:12

"...for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure." Moroni 7:48

I was talking with a friend recently about the power of emotion in shaping our perceptions of reality. Emotions are incredibly potent. Not only can they flavor the way you see something, color the lens through which you look, but that emotion can also rub off on others. If we start associating someone or something with a particular emotion, after a time that emotion is automatically triggered each time we are exposed to that person or thing.

The past several weeks I have been studying hope. I'm just getting started, but I'm kind of blown away by the things I've learned so far. One interesting thing about hope is that it can act as a lens cleaner. We all do our best to see things clearly and I know God wants us to see things the way they really are, but sometimes, especially when lots of strong emotions have been at play for a while, our perceptions may be a bit distorted. I've seen this happen with myself a lot. The good news is, we have hope!

I've redefined hope in my mind as not a wish but an expectation. When you have hope--when you fully expect what the Lord has promised, a burden is lifted as you realize the power of the atonement is beyond expectation and you magically see clearly! It's like getting a new prescription for your glasses. You don't realize you weren't seeing things properly until you try on the new lenses and voila! Everything is crisp, clear, and beautiful!

I know that when we have hope (real hope... an expectation that God can and will perform miracles in our lives and will help us when we need it) we see clearly. It's beautiful really.

Princess Stories

(This blog post has a sound track! Please look up the featured songs on grooveshark)

A girl wants to believe that she is a beautiful princess and that someday a handsome prince will come find her. In fairy tales women don't usually find love, it finds them. As I've thought about all the popular fairy tales, there are some interesting similarities. Take these Disney princess stories for example. In Tangled, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, and Mulan the story begins with the princess (or future princess) feeling restless. She has hopes and dreams for the future, and wants to be seen for who she really is inside. She has to summon up the courage to pursue these dreams. She usually sings a song about it:

Tangled: When will my life begin

Beauty and the Beast: Belle (reprise)

Aladdin: To be free

Cinderella: A dream is a wish your heart makes

Sleeping Beauty: I wonder

The Little Mermaid: Where the people are

Mulan: Reflection

Next, she gets to go on a grand adventure! She goes to see the floating lanterns, she sets off to rescue her father from a horrible beast, she escapes over the palace walls, she goes to the ball with the help of her fairy godmother in a pumpkin shaped carriage and fancy dress. Her dreams are coming true! Then, when she's not expecting him, certainly not looking for him, he finds her. He'll usually be smitten, but it may take him a while to realize she's a princess. Again, they'll probably sing a song about it.

Tangled: I see the light

Beauty and the Beast: Something there

Aladdin: A whole new world

Sleeping Beauty: Once upon a dream

The adventure does not stop here. They'll have to face some pretty fierce monsters, or witches, or armies, or step mothers. It will be rough, but in the process she will realize who she really is and he will become a real man. When the adventure is over they will live happily ever after.

Yes, they are just fairytales, but dreams do come true!

Love, Stargirl

Today is a productive day. I'm checking things off my list. One to-do that has been on my list for a while is to explain in a blog post why I choose to title my blog "Star Girl."

If any of you have read Jerry Spinelli's classic novel, I'd like to talk with you. Stargirl was one of those books I read when I was younger and it left a huge impression on me... but to this day I can't tell you exactly why. There is something about the character Stargirl that I want to emulate, but I'm not even sure I can emulate her because she may just be a metaphor for something. I'm going to give it some more thought and get back to you.

In the meantime, here are some quotes from Stargirl and Love, Stargirl (the sequal) for your reading pleasure:

"Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out with Perry?

You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know."
— Jerry Spinelli (Love, Stargirl)

"You’ll know her more by your questions than by her answers. Keep looking at her long enough. One day you might see someone you know."

— Jerry Spinelli (Stargirl)

"Do not follow me! Let's just be fabulously where we are and who we are. You be you and I'll be me, today and today and today, and let's trust the future to tommorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet. May our reunion be not a finding but a sweet collision of destinies!"
— Jerry Spinelli (Love, Stargirl)

"Nothing’s more fun than being carried away."

— Jerry Spinelli (Stargirl)

"This was the start of a period that blurs as I try to recall it. Incidents seem to cascade and merge. Events become feelings, fellings become events. Head and heart are contrary historians."
— Jerry Spinelli (Stargirl)

"I’m not my name. My name is something I wear, like a shirt. It gets worn. I outgrow it, I change it. "
— Jerry Spinelli

Flipped

Have you ever found a movie that you thought was pure brilliance but other people just don't seem to get it? Flipped is one of those movies for me. Most people I've talked to who have seen it (and there aren't too many of those) say, "Oh, it was really cute" or "It was fun." Those statements, while accurate, just don't satisfy me.

Here are 3 reasons why this film rings my bell!

1: The first reason is personal. I've just never met a character that I connected with as well as Juli. I love her passion for life-her amazement at the view from the top of a tree. I love her thirst to understand people and how seriously she considers and tries to puzzle out the bits of wisdom she receives from Chet and her Dad. It's a drive to do everything possible to understand life correctly. I love that! If anyone every wanted to understand the way I think, this movie gives some excellent insight.

2: I love being able to see two perspectives on the same story as the movie flips between Juli and Bryce's point of view. Isn't it amazing how different two sides of a story can be!? They don't even have the same feel/flavor to them! What would it be like if we could just flip to see the other persons view/feel of a situation?

3: I love seeing change! Bryce could have never guessed in a million years that some day he would fall for Juli Baker. For 7 years he saw her as plain, weird, and not socially accepted. Then he flipped! To him she became beautiful! The opposite can also happen, as was the case for Juli. Lucky for Bryce she flipped back thanks to some wise maneuverings on his part. We can never know how our perceptions of a person will change. Sometimes we place people on pedestals and sometimes we place them in pits. It often takes time and a whole lot of personal experience to be able to see people the way they deserve to be seen.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

One of my favorite stories for the past few years has been "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O." If you haven't read it... click on this link, and you are in for a treat! http://osorhan.com/bigo/

Chances are if you are reading this blog you know me and have therefore, already heard it (probably several times).

I thought this story was brilliant when I first heard it, but over the years it has stuck with me and my love for it has grown. I think this is why...

The basic premise of the story is that there is a missing piece who is searching desperately for his "other half." He meets all of these circles with pieces missing from them and attempts to fit with one of them. It doesn't work. Time after time he is left alone. Then one day he meets a circle that has no missing piece. He can sense that this is the one he has been looking for. This is the one he would like to be with, but he can't. He's not ready yet. He has to become a complete circle before he can really "roll" with someone else. Likewise, I think truly healthy relationships are those where both individuals have become more complete circles. What does it mean to be a complete circle? To me it means that you have a sense of your own self worth. When you know who you are and how God sees you, then you'll really be able to love someone else-to "roll" with them.

There's one problem... It's something I've just recently started thinking about. Is it possible that you can get so focused on becoming a "Big O" and enjoy "rolling" by yourself, that you lose sight of how wonderful it is to "roll" with someone else? We're meant to roll with some else. Maybe being with someone else actually helps us become more complete circles. Maybe there is a certain kind of complete that we can't become on our own. "Two is better than one."

Drastic Times

I'm considering doing something drastic! Isn't that exciting?! I know! It's just nice to know that regardless of what happens in life, you always have the option of doing something completely irrational, spontaneous, and ridiculous. But before I proceed.... perhaps I should consider the ramifications of such recklessness.

I should consider first, exactly what drastic deed I’m about to do, and second, why I am feeling so inclined toward irrationality.

What: The definition of drastic includes being forceful and extreme. I believe the last time I was feeling drastic I got a haircut. Now, I know, that may not seem extreme or forceful to you, but consider this: It was probably the second time in my life that I had someone other than my mother cut my hair, and I got bangs! Pure insanity! Who does that?! I had to force myself to go through with it! Let’s see, another time I was feeling drastic I got my ears pierced. The piercing part wasn’t so bad… but I no longer have perfect ears. Oh well. I’m pretty sure it was worth it. So, what can I do this time? I guess I’m open for suggestions… considering my track record, I’m sure whatever I do will be legal, lawful, and extremely conservative.

Why: So why am I feeling this way? This question interests me even more than the what question. Humm… People often do drastic things after break ups? Let’s see, the haircut was after a break up. Yep, and the ears too. I haven’t gone through a break up recently, so that doesn’t really explain this one. Here’s my hypothesis: I think people do drastic things because they want to feel like they have control over some aspect of their lives. There is so much in life that we cannot control. Knowing that the length of my hair is entirely up to me is somehow comforting.

Anyway, I’ll let you know what I decide to do and how it goes J